Chronic Pain, Part 2

I stayed home "sick" from work today, simply because my pain level was really high and it was still snowing. I do something like that, well, pretty much never. I suppose that's partly because I don't feel sick when I'm like this -- I don't have a virus, I'm not contagious -- and partly because I know that resting today isn't necessarily going to help me feel any better tomorrow. But, as I think about it tonight, I'm realizing that resting today made today better, regardless of whether it has an impact on tomorrow. I could move slowly, in my own space, accomplishing things at my own pace (even if things took twice as long), without wasting energy stuffing my pain in or worrying about it spilling out all over people around me. It was a good choice.

So there's my thought for the day, as I'm still playing with ideas about community and institutions and relationships. It seems like often my/our energy (in grieving, in fixing, in hoping) is spent looking at what will make tomorrow better. And that's surely important, and -- particularly for justice-focused issues -- not to be ignored. Or, on the other hand, I/we get frustrated and give up on tomorrow, living (or acting) only for today. My sense tonight is something more complex than either of those two extremes -- or, perhaps, far simpler than either of those two extremes -- not giving up that attention to future possibilities, but also remembering that I/we can't evaluate today only on the basis of what it will contribute to tomorrow. Sometimes it's good to think of today as being about today.

That's a bit obvious, and not at all profound. It connects to familiar themes, like utilitarianism, beauty, the protestant work ethic, empowerment, guilt, responsibility, and other things too numerous to list. But, for me, it's helpful, as I imagine tonight what it can mean to be fully present (in a relationship, in an institution) for today as well as for tomorrow, being aware of and valuing both spaces, and being (not just doing) in and for them both. Letting today be today, even as it is also the day before tomorrow. It feels like this opens some spaces for relationality, for advocacy, for possibility. Something for me to think more about, anyhow.